My therapist and I could not stop belly laughing as I lamented about how terrible I have been with making decisions. You definitely had to be there, but if you know me, then you know I can be a bit dramatic in my responses. It’s not that I’m incapable of making decisions, it’s more so that I was not always confident in the decisions I chose. Growing up I was often faced with backlash and threats regarding my decisions. As a result I would say ‘yes’ to things that I did not want or agree with just to keep the peace. I also had a strong sense of unhealthy obligation attached to the ‘yes’ which prevented me even more from saying what was really in my heart such as:
“This hurts me.”
“I’m uncomfortable with what you’re asking of me.”
“You no longer have permission to talk to me like that.”
“Thanks for thinking of me but I am not interested.”
Things I should have said…
Living this way for years created a flourishing environment for anxiety, insecurity, depression and shame that stayed with me for many years.
Over the last year and a half, I have been on an evolving journey. The more I gain understanding, the more the lesson opens up and graciously gives me something else to learn. The lesson of this season is learning to give myself permission to say yes and stop denying what I really want.
I have been so insecure in my abilities and fearful of my dreams that I would start and then not finish or was afraid that my dreams weren’t big enough or visible enough. This led to me tying myself to the vision of others because of their excitement!
Do you remember the first time you felt insecure? I can remember, fourteen year old me. Someone broke my trust and I was sexually abused. At the time the adults in my life lacked the wisdom and knowledge on how to support me. Their decisions regarding the abuse and what they said to me produced doubt in my core beliefs and left me feeling confused. As a form of protection I learned to stay quiet and agree. I hid in layers of clothes (and shame), did not allow myself to get too excited about opportunities and struggled to accept compliments. I wanted validation so badly that I said ‘yes’ more than saying no.
Tears are welling up as I write this except this time I am crying tears of joy, relief and gratitude. I am grateful for being on a journey of trial and error, learning how to say yes to what matters and becoming more aware of what I actually want.
I am proud to say that I am confidently putting myself back into the narrative of my own life.
I am making decisions based on what gets me excited and pulls at my heart!
I am finishing projects!
I am being creative!
I am outlining experiences that I want to have!
I am resting!
I am living!
What is being produced now is a beautiful outpouring of joy, grace and gratitude that I hope to continuously share with you! My Brave Sisters, extend grace where you need it. This journey is not an easy one, but as you actively take steps towards self awareness, you will clearly see the opportunities that have been reserved especially for you. They have not passed you by!
- What limiting story are you telling yourself?
- What experience or person robbed you of your confidence?
- What do you really believe about yourself?
- Now think about the limiting story and replace the limitation with empowering words. For example: “I always make terrible decisions,” to “I confidently make good decisions that I am satisfied with.”
- What evidence supports your new narrative?